A Joke About – How Fights Start!

hoffo — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 21:28:37 +0000

My wife sat down on the settee next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’

I said, ‘Dust.’ …And then the fight started…

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My wife and I were watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”

“No,” she answered.

I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, “Yes.”

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.” …..And then the fight started….

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.” My loving wife of 5 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”… And that’s how the fight started…

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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it…. He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY!!!”

So, I looked down at him and said, “Well, then which one are you?” …And then the fight started…..

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her a bathroom scale. …And then the fight started…

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive… So, I took her to a petrol station…And then the fight started…

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’ …And then the fight started…

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’… And then the fight started…

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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. “I’ll have the steak, medium rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”

“Nah, she can order for herself.”… And then the fight started… ******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’

The husband replied, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’ …And then the fight started…..

Oh yes folks absolute gold heh heh…. brought to you by A Joke About…

A Joke About – Nursery Rhymes

hoffo — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 21:13:32 +0000

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

The structure of the wall was incorrect

So he won a grand with Claims Direct

It’s raining it’s pouring

No doubt it’s global warming!

Jack and Jill went into town

To fetch some chips and sweeties

He can’t keep his heart rate down

And she’s got Diabetes

Mary had a little lamb

Her father shot it dead

Now it goes to school with her

Between two chunks of bread!

Mary had a little lamb

It ran into a pylon

10,000 volts went up it’s arse

and turned it’s wool to nylon

A Joke About – A Deaf Wife!

hoffo — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 20:49:06 +0000

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her on the subject, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from her and say something in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.” Then in a normal tone he asks,

‘Honey, what’s for dinner?” No response. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats,

“Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks,

“Honey, what’s for dinner?” Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.

“Honey, what’s for dinner?” Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her.

“Honey, what’s for dinner?” (I like this)….

“Ralph!, for the FIFTH fucking time, it’s CHICKEN!”

A joke About – A Girls Weekend!

hoffo — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 21:57:55 +0000

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip

Shopping, Casinos, Massages, Facials.

Two days before the group is to leave Mary’s husband puts his foot down
And tells her she isn’t going.

Mary’s friends are very upset that she can’t go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the
Bar drinking a glass of wine.

“Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into
Letting you go?”

“Well, I’ve been here since last night……….. Yesterday evening I was
Sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands
Over my eyes and said ‘Guess who’?”

I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit.
He took my hand and lead me to our bedroom. The room was scented with
Perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over…………On the
Bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the
Bed, so I did. And then he said, “Now, you can do whatever you want.”

So here I am.